01/23
I don’t think I know how to have free time. This is the first year in a LONG time when I haven’t been thinking about exams or assignments or work projects and I thought it would be thrilling and orgasmic and just aching with freedom. But here I am, sitting at my desk at 5am, not feeling thrilled, or orgasmic, or FREE.
This being my year off before law school, off from any sort of studying or working, I only have a few responsibilities. One, I occasionally edit for The Messenger, two, I… okay, that’s it. The only thing I ever have to worry about is editing. Although maybe I should mention that hour every Saturday where I volunteer at the hospital? I don’t know. Anyway, somehow I wake up every morning (more often, afternoon or evening) feeling like I’m bogged down with a million things to do and how will I get them done. Does that make any sense? It’s like this feeling of anxiety has become a part of my person, it has nothing to do with school or work, it’s just THERE.
I guess I put a lot of expectations on my free time, telling myself I’m going to start working out regularly, eating properly, catching up on reading and other random things that I never did before because apparently I didn’t have the time (blogging, anyone?). So now that I’m free and not doing them, there’s this brand new sense of failure. Albeit, a minor sense of failure, but it’s still there, following me around all day as I watch Ugly Betty all over again (I’m on season 2! Santos just died, it isn’t any easier the second time, incase you were wondering).
It doesn’t help that this terrible sleep schedule I’ve adopted just won’t right itself. I think I’ve been able to mend it at least three times since September, where I get up at around 10am and go to bed at a regular hour. Then something happens that keeps me up all night (something always comes up) and I’m back to my regular schedule of sleeping at 6/7am, and getting up anywhere from 2-7pm (I KNOW, IT’S INSANE). Right, so that’s another thing on my list that I’m failing to do.
I know what you’re thinking. I’m already on it – I’m booking an appointment with my therapist asap.
*By the way, if you’re one of those people who really does have a million things to do and despises me right now, hate mail is always fun!















